almost there

It’s odd, after my last post I started to realize I didn’t mind having to wait extra-long for my first u/s. Maybe it was all of the thoughtful comments about how difficult the wait would be that enabled me to realize that I wasn’t in a rush. I enjoy believing that I am pregnant, despite feeling like crap most of the time. I want to feel like crap, it helps me to believe that I have life growing inside of me. Every day that passes that I don’t spot or cramp is a gift. At this point ignorance truly is bliss, at least the bliss of an infertile. I want to believe that all will be well on Friday, it feels like it will be but many of us know that how you feel does not always equate to what is really going on. I have minimal worry about a possible ectopic; I think if my RE was concerned they would have had me in sooner. My numbers are not erratic or abnormally high, my doctor told me she thought they were very pretty. (yay for pretty numbers!)I am scared and I imagine as the week wares on my fear will start to consume me. I want these babies to be viable, at least one of them.

I told my boss today. We are having a retreat on Friday and I am going to be late because of the appointment. I started off being vague about my appointment and it felt weird so I just spilled the beans. I told her an extremely abbreviated version of our story, letting her know that it has been really, really hard for us to conceive and that I had a m/c last year. She was of course, incredible. She is one of the most nurturing people I have ever met but I had to stop her from gushing. I couldn’t muster up much enthusiasm and told her repeatedly that I was scared. She was sympathetic and as understanding as a fertile could be. She shared her own story of her miscarriage but didn't offer any assvice worth complaining about. It felt really weird to say it out loud to someone but I felt that in the moment it was best to be honest (ish). So if Friday morning goes horribly wrong and I am having a hard time someone will know why. But, that is not going to happen. Everything is going to be just fine.