so much to say

 Poor Vermont, the tiny state was ravaged by Irene. There is so much devastation, it is difficult to comprehend. But Vermonters are hardy people, one needs to be to survive in the North Country, they will rebuild. I do hope that the forecasted rains do not bring additional damage, there has already been too much. Needless to say, we were unable to spend our vacation as planned; the roads to the house we rented were completely washed away. On the fly we made a plan B and salvaged our vacation.  We left Vermont and spent some time in the neighboring state in the White Mountains. It was fun but not what we planned. Fortunately we had lovely weather and were both willing to go with the flow.

On Thursday evening we came back to Massachusetts before heading to NJ on Saturday, my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary on Sunday; it was an event not to be missed. It was a very fast trip but it was filled with joy. I told my brother and his wife the news, I know I will need him if anything goes wrong (please don’t!) he gets it and has been such a support for me over the past year. It was great to see everyone and hang with my little nephew, he is four months now and so much bigger than the last time I saw him. I realize I should write a post about him and his deceased sibling, I just haven’t gotten around to it.

On Friday, in between travel days, we started the process of moving into our own place! Finally! Unfortunately for the hubs, I am unable to help with anything remotely heavy. I lift some stuff but try to take it easy, it is hard to be conservative but I hope it will be well worth it. There has been so much going on I feel pretty overwhelmed, I cannot wait until all of our belongings are in one place, unfortunately it may be a few weeks until that happens. In order to get help we need to disclose why I can’t do it, which scares me. I wish I could be like a naïve fertile and announce without hesitation that we are going to have a baby but there is no way, I’ve learned the hard way that a pregnancy does not always equal a baby. We will have to tell his folks since they are the ones that will pitch in, it’s hard to move to a state where you don’t have any friends. We can’t afford to hire movers so it’s going to happen in stages.  I’m not complaining, I am so grateful for our predicament but it would be nice to have something to sit on instead of the hard wood floor.

Last Friday morning I had a third beta. During my holiday I was feeling “pregnant” but when we returned home on Thursday night I started to have doubt, I started groping my boobs and worrying. I worried so much I didn’t sleep and then worried some more that I wasn’t sleeping, what happened to my tiredness? All morning long I was grumpy, I snapped (several times) at my husband and went into my strongest self-preservation mode.  Before noon, early by my clinic’s standards, my doctor called. Since the call came from her I knew it was either good or bad. My levels had risen above 19,500. I didn’t write down the exact number, when I heard 19 thousand five hundred nothing else mattered.  The numbers increased as they should and she gave me the option of switching from pio injections to suppositories. I know the suppositories are messy but the injections are a pain, literally. Come tomorrow if the drugs arrive I will be done with shots. Yip!

This still has not sunk in; I can’t imagine it will until after the ultrasound which isn’t until September 16!!! I have to wait almost another two weeks to find out what I am growing and if (please, please, please) it has a heartbeat(s). I am surprised it is so late since by that time I will almost be 8 weeks. I know it is out of my hands and I just have to continue to take care of myself and stay positive. It is hard, I had such an unexpected loss the last time I can’t help being afraid. I feel “pregnant”. I am not nauseous or throwing up but I am tired and napped every day while on vacation, I poop only every three or more days (ouch!) and my boobs are large, sore and really veiny. Some days I feel like crap, some days I don’t. I get headaches, have to pee a lot (at least once a night) and I am pretty thirsty. So far, so good. I am hopeful. I want this to be it. I had a lovely dream that I was playing with my sweet baby girl, it seemed so real.