Thanksgiving recap

I have a slight lull in my hectic work schedule. As part of my new gig, I coordinate a massive holiday gift drive for over 100 families. This equates to over 300 people to find nine gifts a piece for, roughly 2100 presents. I have been dealing with donors, volunteers, clients, and way too many excel spreadsheets. It is really tedious but equally enjoyable. I hear once we open the warehouse next week things will be even more crazy. I feel fortunate to work in such a generous community. The folks we serve have all experienced significant trauma and are struggling to rebuild their lives after leaving abusive situations, such strength. I do love my job and I am looking forward to the end of the drive because I will have loads of vacation time to spend with my family. All the extra hours leads to less blogging time, pity.

We traveled to see my family in NJ over the holiday, our tradition for the last several years, next year, it's time to start new traditions. Hopefully, our family will have grown by one and traveling for numerous hours in the car is not going to fly, although we probably could carry on with the same old same old, it is a good excuse not to.I anticipated the trip to be a bit difficult, my parents, despite my fierce love for them they tend to drive me CRAZY! More on that later....

Last year, I miscarried around Thanksgiving and I am certain I know exactly when it happened. My hubs was living in Mass and I was still in Vermont, I arrived in NJ on Wednesday night and he came down on Thanksgiving morning. On Wednesday night I went to the bathroom and had some spotting, I texted my husband and he tried to reassure me, "it's normal, don't worry". As most of you know, I was right to worry, the heartbeat had stopped and the little one was gone. I found out six days later when I had my scheduled ultrasound. I was alone. I was devastated. The anniversary cast it's shadow on my Thanksgiving, I was nervous and felt superstitious. I didn't want to go the same places I went to last year,  I couldn't handle any additional memories or fear coming up.

Aside from grieving the loss and balancing my worry & enthusiasm for my current state I had a huge fight with my mother right before I was about to walk out the door. It had been brewing all weekend, in fact, my frustration has been mounting for a while. Let me explain a bit about my parents, they act old, are sedentary, watch way too much television, and from my perspective they don't really embrace life. Yes, I know these feelings/perceptions are all judgments and I try to tell myself that they are happy but their constant complaints about varying ailments make me feel so frustrated. My mother is very overweight, she has been that way her entire life but she hardly ever goes outside unless she is heading from the house to car and from the car to the store, etc. She complains about her weight but does nothing to address it. I admit, I don't really know what it is like to struggle with weight but I can't understand my mom's sedentary lifestyle. As a result of years of inactivity she needs to have a double knee replacement, she can barely get around at this point. I feel bad for her but I can't help knowing that her current condition is due in part to her lifelong inactivity. She has an enormous amount of self-pity and is ordering my dad around like he is her servant, she is bitchy and rude (some of the time) and it is uncomfortable to be around. It is really, really painful to witness this, who likes to see their parents aging? It breaks my heart.

While I know she is struggling with her own serious issues, there has been NO mention of any sort of a baby related celebration. This may sound obnoxious but I really want to have a baby shower, nothing fancy, just a recognition of our new life. I have fought extremely hard to get to this place and I want to celebrate the life that we are blessed to (hopefully) bring into the world. I know my mom can't do it but my capable older sister can. My sister is a whole other story, her lack of empathy and her inability to be present for my brother when he was struggling with the loss of one of his twins is sickening. I try not to hold it against her but she acted in an incredibly selfish manner when he needed his family. My mom did say that it would be fun to throw an after the baby is born  shower for me so I can get in a car with a newborn and drive six hours so everyone can meet the baby. Are you kidding me? That idea indicates that my family is NOT planning to come and meet our child after it is born, they would expect me to travel to THEM? I have gone to NJ (from Vermont) for each of my niece and nephews countless times over the years, it is time for them to reciprocate. If they do not want to then I guess they are not going to have much of a place in our child's life.

 The whole situation makes me so upset. I am done traveling to NJ for the holidays, if my family is unwilling to travel to see us once in a while I guess that I won't be seeing them too often. I did make up with my mother but I still feel angry with my family, with the exception of my brother. My mother told me that I was acting selfish and started crying telling me about how much pain she was in. I felt like I was on another planet, did they not remember or care about our almost three years worth of struggle? Surgeries, miscarriage, IVFs, thyroid problems, didn't my struggle matter? Why would they not want to celebrate a potential, long-awaited. new family member? I have never felt more distant from my family, it hurts. It makes me sick, just writing this post brings up anxiety. Ugh.

My in-laws will be arriving later today, my husband hopes to talk to his mother to see if she is willing to host a small gathering for me. I feel awkward needing to ask but I want to have a shower, I want my dear friends and family who witnessed my struggle to celebrate with me. I do admit that I feel a little like a brat, "I want a baby-shower", as I stomp my feet, Am I in the wrong?